All of a sudden your life is different than you planned

I believe everyone in the world should know and love the music of Jason Robert Brown. I had the honor of performing in a production of his song cycle, “Songs for a New World” a few years ago. I would perform this piece over and over again.

I encourage everyone to listen to all of his work. If nothing else, listen to “The New World”. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0DzClEeLZ8

“A new world calls across the ocean
A new world calls across the sky
A new world whispers in the shadows
Time to fly, time to fly”

A year ago, if you asked me what this song means, I would have said that you can never be completely prepared for what is next. That life can change in an instant; and that you won’t have the answers when it does.

“It's about one moment
The moment before it all becomes clear
And in that one moment
You start to believe there's nothing to fear
It's about one second
And just when you're on the verge of success
The sky starts to change
And the wind starts to blow
And you're suddenly a stranger
There's no explaining where you stand
And you didn't know
That you sometimes have to go
‘Round an unexpected bend
And the road will end
In a new world”

Life doesn’t just come at you quickly, but in several different directions and sometimes all at once.

“A new world calls for me to follow
A new world waits for my reply
A new world holds me to a promise
Standing by, standing by”

And you don’t think about what those “moments” could possibly be. You can’t predict the future, so you don’t bother anticipating what could happen that could re-direct your whole life plan.

“It's about one moment
That moment you think you know where you stand
And in that one moment
The things that you're sure of slip from your hand
And you've got one second
To try to be clear, to try to stand tall
But nothing's the same
And the wind starts to blow
And you're suddenly a stranger
In some completely different land
And you thought you knew
But you didn't have a clue
That the surface sometimes cracks
To reveal the tracks
To a new world”

It’s okay to not know the answers. It’s okay to fail. It’s okay to cry. And it’s okay to feel disappointment.

“You have a house in the hills
You have a job on the coast
You find a lover you're sure you believe in
You've got a pool in the back
You get the part of your life
You hold the ring in your hand”

Sometimes it’s easy to fool yourself into believing that things are exactly as they are meant to be. Even when they don’t feel right.

“But then the earthquake hits
And the bank closes in
Then you realize you didn't know anything
Nobody told you the best way to steer
When the wind starts to blow”

So when everything falls apart, there’s relief somewhere in the mess around you. Even if it’s difficult to find right away.

“And you're suddenly a stranger
All of a sudden
Your life is different than you planned”

Being forced into changing everything is terrifying, chaotic and miserable. And clarifying.  

“And you'll have to stay ‘til you somehow find a way
To be sure of what will be
Then you might be free”

Because you shouldn’t always do something just because it makes sense. Because what feels right rarely makes sense. And what makes sense rarely feels right.

“A new world crashes down like thunder
A new world charging through the air
A new world just beyond the mountain
Waiting there, waiting there”

Today, if you were to ask me what this song means, I would say the exact same thing. Life changes when we’re not ready and don’t expect to know what to do when it does.

“A new world shattering the silence
There's a new world I'm afraid to see
A new world louder every moment
Come to me, come to me!”

But I promise, you’ll figure it out. Eventually.

In a year, I’ve traveled to New York City twice and finally saw both Chicago and Washington DC.

I saw my best friend for the first time in three years.

I lost 20 pounds…and gained most of it back.

I bought a new car.

I’ve been to three funerals and two weddings.

I completed the Summit County Metroparks Fall Hiking Spree in two weeks. Twice.

I’ve joined an incredible new church that is filled with energy and passion.

I met one of my favorite authors.

I’ve seen 32 different shows at area theaters and performed in 6 local productions.

I’ve met some really incredible people.

I’ve let go of some others.

I’ve cried. A lot.

I’ve laughed even more.

I changed my address.

I changed my name.

I changed my plans.

 

It’s impossible to avoid sounding cliché, so I’m just going to say it. I don’t regret my marriage and I don’t regret the nearly 12 years I spent with Brian. Regret isn’t worth anything, so I won’t bother with it.

I’ve been accused as being “unfeeling” over the past year because of how I have dealt with the separation and divorce. I’ve also been accused of “playing the victim” and of treating the whole thing as though it were a “business transaction.” None of these accusations could be further from the truth.

I’m not going to bother defending myself or trying to convince anyone to change their mind about what they believe. The fact of the matter is that Brian and I were married. Now we are not. I don’t recall that our relationship had anyone else in it and that what happened between us was anyone else’s business.

The way some people have treated me over the past year has been incredibly disappointing. Without bothering to talk to me about certain things, some people have decided things that are untrue and unfair. That hurts. But I will not seek them out and beg them to change their views on the kind of person I am.

A year ago I discovered what it was like to be forced into change when you haven’t prepared for it. It wasn’t easy. But it was necessary. I had to make decisions I wasn’t prepared for when I would have rather just hid in a closet. I had to make things work that I would have never seen realistic. I had to swallow my pride and ask friends and family for help.

And what I discovered was that getting a divorce is not something that should make you feel defeated. It’s not a traumatic experience. It’s a difficulty. It’s frustrating. It’s challenging. And it’s a new chapter.

My ex-husband has already started his new chapter. He’s met and married another woman and they are very happy. This is a chapter in a book that is no longer on my shelf. And that’s just what is meant to be.

Some days I feel as though I have no clear direction in my life. I don’t see how that makes me any different than anyone else in the world. I often think of how different things would have been had we left that relationship in high school. Then, I realize that the last 12 years led to me where I am now and that the experiences we shared-many of which were incredible-were meant to be. Cliché again, but it’s 100% truth.

Some days, I feel sorry for myself. I think I have every right in the world to be upset about things that have happened. But other days I remember that I have an awesome family, that I have the most incredible friends in the world, and that I’ve got life. MY life. An awesome life that I’m still discovering. And that’s pretty great.

Over the past year, every single lyric in “The New World” seemed to scream at me “This is my life!” I’ve felt like I’m suddenly someone else, like everything was pulled from underneath me, like my plans have just fallen apart, like the moment that led me here has completely changed everything, like every single line in that song was about me.

And every single day I am more and more grateful that this IS my life. I haven’t wasted one second. I’ve lived through all these moments-eventful and dull, challenging and easy, happy and sad- and I get to keep on experiencing the life that I was meant to live.